


idle introspection and a lack of comprehension

by angels0lament



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Friendship, I'm bad at tagging :(, Introspection, M/M, Pining, Tags will be added, a lot of metaphors, but it's like "a himbo and his emotional support lesbian", some philosphy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:37:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24740161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angels0lament/pseuds/angels0lament
Summary: "So, Ann..." Ren began tentatively, with care and cautiousness in his voice. "I want to make him fall in love with me."
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	idle introspection and a lack of comprehension

**Author's Note:**

> everything was written between the hours 4am-7am :)

"So, Ann..." Ren began tentatively, with care and cautiousness in his voice. "I want to make him fall in love with me."

The blonde girl didn't raise her eyes from her phone, and only gave him an absent-minded hum of approval. She seemed quite uninterested in the raven's affairs.

With a sigh and a couple seconds later after he realised he's being ignored, Ren set his elbows on the desk, and buried his face in his palms for a few moments; he then proceeded to shoot the girl a more serious look, after revealing his features, and called her name yet again, this time more clearly and gravely.

She finally turned her head. Her right arm was propped on Ren's desk, and the other on her own, making it seem like the two tables trapping her were the handles of a throne that she was sitting on- the seat being, of course, her own chair. The dim sunrays that shone shyly through the classroom's windows gave her hair an unnatural colour - more so than it already was; the warm yellow she usually donned turned into beige, muddy waves of cream cascading over her shoulders into a matted mess. It rained, and she had forgotten her umbrella today.

There was a light tint to Ren's glasses. "Did you hear me?" It partially obscured his eyes- the blonde offered him an intrigued gaze. "I said I'm going to make him fall in love with me," he repeated. The glint in his irises spoke of dead-seriousness and determination, measured so highly that it might even seem comical.

"Who?" Ann asked, curiosity having enticed the cat- the Panther. She turned her upper body slightly in the raven's direction- an omen.

The sly boy's lips quirked into a timid, yet playful smirk. "The detective. He's... of particular interest to me, and I'm sure he thinks the same of me, but I feel as if there is more to him, so..." he dragged out the vowel, and took a small pause, "I want to play a little game."

Ann frowned. Her body was fully facing Ren now. "The detective? You mean Goro Akechi?" the name lingered on her lips, trying to grasp it, but failing ultimately. "He *is* kinda suspicious, but I don't really think we should be playing games with *him*, of all people- And love isn't really a game, y'know."

"I know, yeah, but-" a droplet of rain loudly hit the window right near his temple "-he seems the... how do I put it... I want to see what makes him tick; what embarrasses him and what angers him, what he loves and what he hates. I want to break and analyse him." He looked to the side thoughtfully and played with one of his curls. Real bashful.

She chuckled. "What a sadistic approach. And your interest in him is..."

"From a purely analytical point of view."

"Right," she side-eyed him, turning her gaze outside the window. Another water drop hit, higher, but the trajectory and the trail which it left behind completely separated the two speakers. A metaphor for separation, could it be? An action which resulted in chaos; divinity intervening with the natural, corrupting the innocent flow of life, changing its course and twisting that which is meant to be into upheaval. The moment divine turned into plague is the moment when the Tower shall fall, for it had been built on unsturdy foundations.

Would the mind be an organism, and thoughts be the bacteria, wouldn't its plague-ridden actions be a threat to the natural? 

Stop reading so many books on psychology and philosophy. It plagues the mind- no pun intended.

"Or could it be because you're interested in him... romantically?" she asked, not even a trace of surprise in her voice.

Ren laid his head on the desk. "No, I don't like him that way- as I said, this is an... experiment, actually. Not a game."

"Then, shall I call you Doctor?" she teased, and poked one of his arms.

"Funny." He wasn't laughing.

Ann twirled one of her creamy locks between her slender, bony fingers. She looked as if she had been overwhelmed by thoughts, swayed by what-ifs and stolen by hypotheticals. There were so many ways how this could end wrong.

But she supported her friend. "Wouldn't this be emotional manipulation, though?" But she was critical of him as well. "Do you intend to just lead him on...? For a reaction? A result?"

Ren bit the inside of his cheek. "I guess my own emotions would affect the nature of my actions, wouldn't they?"

"Naturally," she replied with light certainty.

"Then, I... What I feel towards him is complicated. I mean, we hung out only once; a time which he spent testing me and my perception... I passed his test, if you were wondering; it takes one to know another."

The crowd never seemed to fall into silence, not prompted by the bell, at least. It made the perfect cover for their conversation, in all honesty. They didn't have to worry about anyone eavesdropping, since most of their classmates were too absorbed in their own trivial matters to pay attention to Ren and Ann. It was a noisy silence. A quiet murmur. White noise.

An unexpected moment of bliss.

"Do you like him?" the blonde asked. Her eyes were fixed on the top of Ren's head; another mess of dark, curly, matted hair. Forgive their forgetful minds.

Ren locked onyxes with seas of turquoise. "In what way?"

"Any way," she basically scoffed. "As a person, I guess," and grew more and more tired of Ren's games.

"I figured you'd already guess that yes, I do." He looked at her from beneath his eyebrows, answering in a slow and calculated manner.

Rapid drops of water began to viciously rain on the window. A quiet thunder disrupted the phenomenon of natural symphony. There was a complaint, somewhere too.

"Things don't always have to be so complicated, Ren. Just say you have a crush on the poor boy." Ann leaned back in her throne, against the wall behind her.

Ren raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Poor would be the last thing I'd call him," he stated with a lighthearted sigh. "I don't have a crush on him. I really don't. But I do like him, just not in *that way*."

"You're being unclear," Ann reproached with boredom. "Your feelings, your motives- they're unclear. What do you really want with Akechi-kun?"

"They're not... What I want with him is... I don't know." 

The foundations have been discovered, and truly, they lack any concrete filling. Fascinating how the right questions can turn even the most sturdy of leaders into confused messes, shaking them right down to their core. And by a follower's words, no less.

Well, anyone's words would have been appreciated, regardless of status, in that moment. 

"See?" she asked, in sort of a "in your face" tone. "Try to think a little more on it. Your original plan was to make him fall in love with you. Typically, in manga or movies, the protagonist does this because they're bored, or maybe hold a grudge against the other person, but it all ends with them realising they've been doing this because they weren't prepared to face their feelings," she explained, as a mother would to her child. "So, let's just say I'm giving you a headstart."

"This isn't a manga, or a movie," he quickly discarded the option. "And it still doesn't help," Ren groaned and placed his head back on the desk.

Ann bit her lip. "Well, um, let me ask you this..." she pondered for a while, before laying down any questions. "Have you ever thought about... holding his hand?" 

Ren started to rummage through his memory. Did a prolonged handshake count as holding hands? Because if so, he had already done that. But if he were to take the actual meaning of Ann's words, then he would probably agree with her. He has indeed thought about holding the detective's hand, feeling the texture of his gloves, wondering whether his skin is soft or rough, whether there are scars under the leather, or it's simply there purely for aesthetic reasons. He couldn't find out much during their handshake, so it made his imagination run rampant with all the possibilities.

In conclusion, he had thought of holding Goro Akechi's hand. It fit very well in his own, and repeating the act would be quite pleasant. 

"I have, yeah," he finally replied, after a long moment of self-reflection. "Many times. I'm thinking about it now, actually." 

He started imagining yet again how Akechi's skin would feel. How placing it against his own skin would feel, how placing it against his lips, his neck. Would he caress, or would he strangle? Would he scratch, or would he pat? 

Man is dual, too, after all.

Ren sighs feverish, yet again. The bacteria plagues the organism, it kills and destroys rationality, replaces it with yearning and phantom senses; divinity corrupted by desire. 

And wasn't his job - the one he had undertaken against his will - to rid people of their corrupted desires?

How ironic.

"Ok, one more question," Ann snapped him out of the trance he so willingly chose to indulge in, if only momentarily. "What about kissing him?" 

Ren shifted his head so that he was laying on his right cheek, watching the liquid arrows attempt at seizing the fortress that his school was. What a futile process - well, rain was never violent to begin with.

He stared for a while, trying to form any coherent thoughts and turn them into ideas, but nothing worked. It was all empty, like the cogs had stopped working, bringing the machine, his brain, to a halt. He tried to envision Akechi before him, tried to create a puppet with his face that he could imagine kissing; nothing.

"No..." he muttered. "I..." and before he realised, his face had become a little rosy. "It's hard for me to imagine."

Ren closed his eyes, let darkness envelop him. It was full and empty all around him.

"You're thinking about it too much again. Would you kiss Goro Akechi, or not?" she prompted the raven.

"It's not that easy, y'know," he replied with half a mouth, seeming a little embarrassed.

He wanted to admit to it, and, yes, he may be thinking about it too much- Hell, he *is* thinking about it too much. There isn't even any tangible reason for why he would do such a thing; maybe it's his guilty conscience, or hurt past that's preventing him from facing and understanding his emotions.

He's drowning in his own thoughts; the water is his past and subconscious mind, telling him to watch out, and avoid any instances where he may be in a position of vulnerability. It's his fear of reiterating past events. 

Despite this, his body is still afloat; he can still feel the Moon's careful gaze. His unconscious and intuition dictate that he should chase his desires, he can feel them under their skin, screaming and shouting for their release and accomplishment.

If she had been reversed, he would have followed the Moon. His voice would be his only calling, and drowned would be the one to contradict.

Which would have been himself.

He shut his eyes again - the "he" in his mind - and felt like he was falling; his blood running to his head and his feet cold. This irresolution was what's holding him hanging by his legs, and the confusion along with recklessness, since this whole plan was made "on a whim" and "in the moment". 

Making Goro Akechi fall in love with him was supposed to be a simple experiment, but even the morality of it turned out to be highly questionable, as well as the motives behind it, which have yet to be discovered. 

Where are your tools, young Fool? Your journey had begun a little while ago.

"God, I can feel the screeching of wheels turning inside your head," Ann rolled her eyes. "I think there's a bit of smoke coming out of your ear too, ugh." She looked like she was ready to abandon the poor raven, but right at the last second, she decided against it. "Ren! Look at me."

He got up from the desk and looked at her.

"Good. Now, tell me: would you kiss him?"

His heart skipped a beat, and cursed be the Fool, because the blood from his head rushed to his cheeks. 

With clenched teeth, and sudden clear mind, Ren spoke honestly: "Yes. I want to- to hold his hand. And him- I want to hold him. Kiss him, whatever. Ever since I met him, he's been the source of my constant state of unrest; my mind has been chaos, and my thoughts disheveled, all because of that stupid, pretty and tall detective!" He almost shouted, but it came out more of a whisper-shout. Thankfully, no one paid any attention to him.

Ann almost applauded him. "Was that really so hard?" 

All that pointless introspection and overthinking, all done for naught, all so he could burst out like this and spill what he wanted to say all along; to finally understand and comprehend what he was feeling. It felt like a wasted effort, like a wasted breath on an obsolete project. 

Ren hit his head hard on the table.

"Ouch," Ann lamented in his favour. "Hey, let's look on the bright side of things: you managed to identify your feelings for him, *and* they're not that of hatred, so... It's a win-win," she tried to comfort the suffering raved, patting his shoulder once.

He groaned. "But it's not what I... Well-" he struggled, stopped himself and took a deep breath before continuing. "You know how I said I want to make him fall in love with me? At first, I didn't want that for myself, but just to 'one-up' him, if that makes sense. I wanted to see what gets to him."

"There is a thin line between love and manipulation in what you're saying," Ann reminded him, yet again seeming more occupied with twirling a blonde lock of hair than with the conversation she was currently having.

"I am aware of that, and I also realised that I don't deserve him. I'll continue my experiment for the sake of my curiosity, but if he does end up falling in love with me, I won't further our relationship." It hurt to say it. 

"You are chastising yourself because you realise the inherent malice in your actions?" The blonde was staring at the rain, staring at their violent dance and onslaught, cursing the clouds for forsaking this day with precipitations. Her shoes and clothes will get muddy. Her tone had turned grave.

Negativity imbued into an inescapable situation ensured a pessimistic mindset and clouded the conscious from any favourable outcomes- a simple concept manipulated and twisted the cognitive into another concept, shifted its core and modified its substance until nothing of the original body remained.

Yet rain still continued to fall.

"Who else but I would be better suited to punish myself? I have assumed judge, jury and executioner altogether. Is it not the right choice?'' The raven cawed with absent-minded grievance for oneself. 

Ann shrugged. "I don't know."

"Ugh." 

The bell rang. 

**Author's Note:**

> @angels0lament on twitter.


End file.
